For me, bringing Andrew into the world was like being pregnant for two years. It was mid-May 2006 when I got pregnant with the first baby that we lost, and so, in many ways, it felt very fitting to me that Andrew arrived mid-May. It was like the completion of a long journey. Those of you who were with us for all (or much) of those two years know the pain and loss and fear that I dealt with. After losing two babies in my second trimester, my initial response to finding out I was once again pregnant last September was that I was scared death! It was about 5 am on a Sunday morning...still dark outside...I was alone. But in that moment, God spoke to my heart and assured me that HE was the one who had created this baby and that He had orchestrated the conception with His own hands. What a picture He gave me. I wish I could say that that peace remained with me throughout the entire pregnancy, but it wasn't until we had a heartbeat scare (how we found out we'd lost the other two) at around 16/17 weeks that I finally really let go and trusted God with this baby.
As someone who does NOT enjoy being pregnant (and yes, there are people who claim that they do!!), it was tough for me to get through this third pregnancy in such a short period of time. It just felt like one first trimester after another! And this time, guess what? Not only was I sick until about 5 months, I was still waking up sick at full term! I took anti-nausea medication the day Andrew was born. What a deal. :) Alas...the things we do for love. Anyway, towards the end of the pregnancy I was going crazy. So many days of contractions that I was so anxious to really go into labor. Then I went into labor and remembered how much I hated being in labor! During those 50 minutes between having my water broken and delivery, I just couldn't believe I had done this before and chosen to do it again! And I couldn't believe that I might one day be crazy enough to do it AGAIN! But do you know what? This morning as I held my precious baby and looked at his sweet face, as I felt his tiny little body cuddled up against me, all I could do was cry. This child, THIS child was God's gift to us (Jonathan = God has given). He chose this particular baby to be part of our family. I never really asked "why?" we lost the other two or why we had to go through that pain. It really doesn't matter. God is God. But I will say, for the honor of being chosen by God to mother a precious little life, I would do it all again. In a heartbeat.
when bones disappear
1 week ago