The questions swirl. My heart is heavy. Sometimes confusion. Sometimes peace. The wondering. One decision impacts another. What to do? More than anything, I desire to be in the will of God.
So what do you do when are challenged to make decisions that you would have always said you didn't agree with before? This would not be the first time in my life that I was instructed to move solidly in one direction with a particular destination and some years later be told to redirect, all part of God's plan. Perhaps this is another one of those times? I don't know.
This morning I was brought to tears with the reminder that God is completely in control, that He absolutely directs our paths when we are devoted to following His will, and that He can orchestrate the impossible whenever and wherever He wishes. He has done that for someone I know, but in a way that brought to the surface promises He has given me that have not been fulfilled. Yet. YET.
This morning I went for a run in a slight drizzle, hoping I wouldn't get soaked. I always listen to music when I run, usually worship music, giving me 30 beautiful minutes to be focused on the glory of God. This morning, it happened that just at the time that the rain was heaviest, the Casting Crowns song "Praise You in the Storm" was playing. I've heard this song a few times recently and it has really been striking deep in me.
"I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
This is where I am. I would never have thought that this "storm" would have lasted as long as it has. I know it must be for God's glory, but some days that doesn't help. Like the days I am doubled over in pain. But as the song continues, so must I.
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"
He's got this. He's got ME. One day this pain will be worth it, the lessons will be clear, the journey (this one, anyway) will be over. I HOPE for that day. He has never failed me yet, but sometimes this journey feels like more than I can take.
I keep coming back to this passage of Scripture: Isaiah 30:20-21
"How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. 20 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. 21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”"
Soli Deo Gloria (to God alone be the glory)