Many of you probably didn't even know I was pregnant. You know, baby #4...not as exciting as #1 or #2, right? So, we were waiting until we found out the gender at 18 weeks (which would have been on my birthday...what a great gift!) to make the big announcement. Well, yesterday I went in for a routine 13 week check and once again there was no heartbeat on the doppler, then on the ultrasounds. I could tell the midwife was trying not to freak me out with not finding the heartbeat on the doppler (And actually it was excusable because I have a tilited uterus, which makes finding it difficult for a while); however when she couldn't find it on the doppler...I knew. The ultrasound showed that the baby passed early last week.
The level of shock has diminished with each loss (13 weeks in 8/06 and 18 weeks in 2/07), but the lack of understanding and pain don't go away. I am really hoping to be able to have the baby tested this time to see if any reason is shown for the loss. We had extensive testing done on me after the second loss and no problem was found, so the "explainable" reasons don't apply. I'd also like to know the gender of the baby. I wish I'd been able to have to other two babies tested as well, but it didn't happen. And now I really wish I knew what the genders of those babies were too. There are some women who are unable to carry one gender baby, and until I am proven otherwise, I strongly feel at this point that I may be unable to carry girls.
I know there are many women out there who would do anything to have one baby, let alone the three beautiful and healthy ones that I have. I am so thankful for them and each loss makes me hug them a little tighter. Andrew is my little snuggler and yesterday after we returned from our appointment, I fed him and then rocked with him. He snuggled into my shoulder and rubbed and patted my back the way only a little 13 month old can. I guess God knew I needed a little extra love just then.
This loss makes 3 of the last 4 pregnancies ending in loss. And 50% overall. Those are hard numbers to look at. Half our children are not with us. Andrew was the surviving baby out of those four, and what an amazing blessing he is to us. But, I know our family is not complete. I suppose there is nothing to do but wait and see how God will bring the remaining children to us and in what timing. We know His plan is perfect.
In the meantime, please pray for peace and healing. I am still in "coping mode" and haven't yet really felt the emotional impact. And past experience shows that healing takes a long time. Also, last time in particular, I really didn't feel much until after the surgery, which will take place in the next few days.
This baby was to be our special Christmas gift, as he/she was to be born in mid-December. This will no doubt make Christmas a challenging time this year as we remember what might have been.
In Lieu of a Christmas Card
4 weeks ago