I have about 60 friends who either have had or will have a 2009 baby. SIXTY! There were a bunch born in Feb/March and right now seems to be next big batch. While overall I have dealt quite well with the loss of our little boy, I have to admit that I feel a lot of sorrow when faced with the new arrivals of many of my friends. I am SO happy for each of them, because each of these babies (and some in particular) are absolute answers to prayer. But seeing the pictures of the tiny newborns and the special glow on the faces of each of my friends are they hold their precious new child...well, it hurts. That was one of the hardest moments for me with the loss of our first baby. My sister in law delivered her first child 10 days after ours was due and when I should have looked at their pictures with awe and joy, instead I wept and re-grieved the loss of what would have been. The pain is not so sharp now as it was then. Then it was a pain that was hard to get beyond. Now it is a sorrow that fills my heart with longing.
Through all of this, Andrew has continued to be my special gift and a child who brings me so much joy. Even though he has shown us recently that he is strong willed and has a temper behind all those smiles and giggles, he loves and needs his mama. He is a cuddler and if I am sitting on the floor, he'll come be by me and lay all over me just for the snuggles and back rubs. He loves to be loved. God knew I would need this child...this hope.
My hope and foundation are in Christ. He gives and He takes away. He opens the womb and He closes it. He creates life and chooses when to end it. And He has already blessed me immeasurably with the three boys that we have. If I am never able to bear another child, it will be okay because He will sustain me and He will make it enough. Our hearts are open to adopting a child...and maybe one day that is how God will finish filling our home. I don't know. But I do know that I will never be able to approach pregnancy the same way again. I will never again be able to see a positive test and rejoice that in 8 months our home will be welcoming a beautiful new child. Because for me, pregnancy is now a game of chance whose outcome has already been decided by God. A waiting game in which only time will reveal whether our arms will once again be filled with a bundle of joy and love, or whether our hearts will once again be filled with sorrow and loss.
In Lieu of a Christmas Card
4 weeks ago