A Good Reminder

Today is our 7th anniversary. It was spent in rather unconventional ways, but it ended well. We went to dinner as a family and then subjected the boys to parts of our wedding and reception video footage. :) Anyway, Philip and I have a tradition of keeping a journal where we record our monthly "memorable" moments. Then at the end of the year, we go through the months of the past year and pick our top 10 favorite memories, which we then record in a different journal, along with our goals for the next year. So, this morning, while I was being radioactive during my gall bladder HIDA scan and laying under some machine and unable to move, Philip read me the list of all our highlights of the past year. It's amazing how much we forget over time and it was so good to be reminded of all the wonderful things that have happened in the last 12 months...many of them in 2009. A year I said I'd really like to move past. And I would in a lot of ways. However, this really has been a wonderful, special year. It was good to get a reminder.

A New Year?

Is 2009 over yet?? Just wondering because this year has been a doozy and we're kinda ready to move on. First, I must say, we are SO blessed and SO grateful for all we have and the ways the Lord has shown us His favor. However, that doesn't mean that all is good, you know? This year has just been chock full of struggles in the health department...and almost all have affected me. It's tough being a mom no matter what. It's even tougher when you're under the weather or operating at a sub-par level. Especially when you believe in doing things with excellence.

I'm sure many of you remember the strep epidemic that was our house this Spring, with me having six cases of it before we finally figured out the boys were silent carriers. Let me tell you, any twitch of the throat strikes fear in my heart now! Joshua was found to be carrying strep again in August (and again with no symptoms), so we're going to have to keep a really close eye on him. We don't want a repeat performance!

Then, I got pregnant. This was good news and we were so excited about welcoming a new family member (another boy, who we had already named) as our family Christmas gift. However, as you all know, 13 weeks into the pregnancy, I again miscarried. Not only was this upsetting, but the residual effects of this pregnancy have been very stressful, difficult and ongoing. As soon as I conceived, I started experiencing gall bladder attacks several times a week. Many of you probably don't know that I had gall bladder problems almost 6 years ago that were triggered by Caleb's birth. I suffered tremendously for 4 months, but felt strongly that God would heal me and that I should not remove the organ. He did heal me, and I did not have it removed. I was subsequently pregnant four times with no reemergence of the problem. Until I conceived this Spring. I was hoping and praying that with the loss of the pregnancy and resuming hormonal normalacy that the attacks would stop. They didn't. I continued to experience weeks with no problem, then weeks with 2-3 attacks. I put off going to a doctor because I just didn't want to be told "Have it out." Well, September 3rd changed that. I was 20 minutes from leaving for the airport to fly to Seattle when I went from feeling perfectly fine, to on the floor yelling in pain. For 15 terrible minutes I thought about how unfortunate it was I was going to be going to the ER instead of the airport. Then, mercifully, the pain stopped. And I left for the airport and had a delightful time in Seattle. Although, let me tell you....trepidation and fear filled me as I consumed my next meal at 35,000 feet in the air. I almost warned my seat partner of what could happen, but didn't. Anyway, after this occurred, Philip said "that's it. I'M making you an appt!" Predictably, the doctor said "you should probably have it out," however before I make that decision we are having some testing done. This morning I had an abdominal ultrasound to see if there are stones in my gall bladder. (Five years ago it was 1/3 full of stones). This coming Monday (our 7th anniversary, btw), I will have a HIDA Scan, which is a procedure where they test the functionality of the gall bladder. If it comes back at less than 30%...I am in trouble. So, please pray.

Also triggered by the miscarriage was a journey over the summer into depression. I knew something was wrong because I just didn't feel like myself, but I figured it was just the hormones equalizing. However, in September, it became unavoidably obvious that something serious was wrong. I went to see someone and was diagnosed with a serotonin deficiency. Once I started reading about the symptoms of that, it all made perfect sense. I am taking some steps right now to try to correct things naturally, but would appreciate your prayers for wisdom. This news really rocked my world because of what has happened to my mom. About five years ago she was diagnosed as bi-polar in an experience over a few months that was horrifying and emotionally terrible to watch and live through. And something I never want to have to face myself. (Although, it entirely possible that what happened to her was a result of mismanagement of her case, more than it was something genetically predisposed to happen) Finding out that I was already on the edge of depression horrified me. The good news here is that we caught this early...and there is certainly no guarantee that things will go any further...but the possibly is there. And is scares me.

Not only has the "depression" (and I hate to call it that because I'm not exactly depressed) caused me to be somewhat emotionally flat, unstable and sometimes apathetic (all things that I normally am NOT), it has also caused me to feel scattered and overwhelmed and forgetful. As someone who has always been able to handle multiple balls in the air with ease, this has been quite frustrating. Like this morning when I showed up for my ultrasound without the required doctor's order I had left on my desk. Or two weeks ago when I got to the grocery store, only to realize I'd left my wallet at home, which normally wouldn't have been a big deal because I have a debit card on my key chain, but I had accidentally paid a bill twice and that day was in danger of overdrawing the account! So, home I went... But I don't normally do these things! Or feel like I am buried under a mountain of things to do with no way out. It's so frustrating. And don't try talking to me on a day when I haven't had enough sleep...I might not be able to tell you my name! HA!

So, here's the good news for me. God is in control. Boy can I say that I do NOT understand, like or appreciate what is going on in my life right now. But, I do know that God's word tells us that He can work ALL THINGS for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (that would be me!). I am not trying to over-spiritualize, but it sure is nice to know that He has this under control, even though I don't get it. And that one day I'll hopefully be able to look back and say "Oh, that's why that happened."

Annual Zoo Fun

For the last several years, we have taken a family trip to the National Zoo on Labor Day weekend. Since I was in Seattle on Labor Day this year, our zoo trip got pushed back a week. The weather was perfect the day we went. Most cloudy and about 70 degrees. No one got hot or cold. Amazing. And since it was cooler, many of the animals were out enjoying themselves. Philip's mom and dad met us at the Zoo for the day and we all had a great time. Here are some pictures from the day.

This was the second year we got great views of the pandas.

The elephant family was out to get a drink from the pond.

Grandma and the boys by the lioness

Andrew in the small mammal house since he is...a small mammal. :) (isn't his shirt adorable?)

Look at that cute face? I mean really...who couldn't love this kid?

Andrew looking seriously cute on the play cube we moved from the yard to the deck. He was wandering off the deck all over the yard, so we moved this up here, and closed off both deck exits. Now he can safely play to his heart's content. But while he can climb the slide and maneuver all over this thing...he is still, at 16 months+, not walking.

Comings and Goings

This was by far the busiest summer we've ever had. Between swim lessons, VBS, a trip to the beach, two trips to North Carolina and starting school, we had a lot going on! The summer passed by in a flash. But it was fun!

To end the summer, I was able to go visit my dear friend Laura, who introduced Philip and I over 10 year ago. She and I met on my first Teen Missions International team to the Czech Republic back in 1995. She and her family live near Seattle, WA, so it was quite a trip. I was blessed to be able to spend five whole days there, while Philip held down the fort at home. In addition to getting to visit some of my favorite Seattle area places, I was also able to spend an afternoon with Philip's Grandma and Aunt and Uncle. I had a blast...and apparently so did the boys. When asked by me when I returned home if they had missed me, Caleb replied "Yes, but we had FUN!" Good...maybe I'll get to do it again sometime. :) Here are a few pictures from my trip.

Here we are in Discovery Park. I was so happy the weather cleared up that last day so that I could see the mountains! I just love big mountains! And I just love Laura. :)

Laura's lovely family: husband Mayson, daughters R and K and son C.

Last time Philip and I saw Mayson and Laura in Seattle (when I was pregnant with Caleb), we took a picture with the four of us on this wall. So, we pretended Philip was there. :)

Here I am at Snoqualmie Falls. I called the boys from here because Caleb and I had been looking at youtube videos of these falls just a few weeks before. He asked me to take a picture for him...so I did. :)

Such a fun visit with so many happy and wonderful memories made!

My Little Swimmers

Around the Hines household, this has been the summer to learn to swim. To get things started, we signed Caleb up for swim lessons at our neighborhood pool. The lessons met 2 times a week for three weeks. Caleb had told me earlier in the year that he wanted to learn to swim this summer, but when the time came for the lessons....he hated them! He cried and complained... Fortunately, he had a wonderful, patient teacher. The breakthrough came between lessons 2 and 3 when Philip was able to get him underwater multiple times one day by causing "shipwrecks" (Caleb would ride on his back in the pool, but the ship kept sinking). Eventually, he started warming up to the idea of going under water. Then, he tried goggles...and we were home free! His teacher couldn't believe the change! So, we were blessed to be able to come visit my parents in NC a few days after the lessons ended, and my dad took over where the teacher left off, making great progress during the week we were here.

Joshua, on the other hand, though he told me during Caleb's lessons that he too was ready to learn, got cold feet. We couldn't even get him all the way into the water until our last day here. However, the next round of swim lessons began two days later and both boys were signed up, so it was too late for poor Joshua, who had decided he wanted to learn "when he was 5". He had a tough time during the lessons, but did make some progress. The amusing thing was I heard him comment to his classmates immediately following the last lesson: "It's so funny! I just finished swim lessons and I still don't know how to swim!" Ha! Well, right around the time their lessons ended, I decided I'd bring the boys back to NC. My brother Tim was home for a few weeks, so I figured we should take advantage. Again, my dad has been able to make a lot of progress with both boys. We still have a few more days here, but both of the boys are doing really great!

Caleb starting to work on his kick with my dad in July:

Then Dad moved on to trying to teach him to dive off the side and swim to the other side. Didn't quite make it.

Caleb had lots of fun jumping off the diving board. Last year with Philip. This year to Philip.

Finally on the last day, Joshua got in the water. Yeay!

This trip, Joshua has worked with Grandpa a lot. He has developed a good kick and is now decent at doing a stroke with his arms.

Caleb can now dive off the board and swim to the side without assistance. He can also swim the width of the pool without stopping, and dive off the board and swim to the deep end. He's hoping to swim all the way end to end by the time we leave on Sunday. We'll see!

Both boys have spent a lot of time swimming around on the noodles! And with Uncle Tim.

And lest we forget Andrew...here he is looking cute. He actually didn't like the float very much, but loves being in the water!

Surrounded by Babies

I have about 60 friends who either have had or will have a 2009 baby. SIXTY! There were a bunch born in Feb/March and right now seems to be next big batch. While overall I have dealt quite well with the loss of our little boy, I have to admit that I feel a lot of sorrow when faced with the new arrivals of many of my friends. I am SO happy for each of them, because each of these babies (and some in particular) are absolute answers to prayer. But seeing the pictures of the tiny newborns and the special glow on the faces of each of my friends are they hold their precious new child...well, it hurts. That was one of the hardest moments for me with the loss of our first baby. My sister in law delivered her first child 10 days after ours was due and when I should have looked at their pictures with awe and joy, instead I wept and re-grieved the loss of what would have been. The pain is not so sharp now as it was then. Then it was a pain that was hard to get beyond. Now it is a sorrow that fills my heart with longing.

Through all of this, Andrew has continued to be my special gift and a child who brings me so much joy. Even though he has shown us recently that he is strong willed and has a temper behind all those smiles and giggles, he loves and needs his mama. He is a cuddler and if I am sitting on the floor, he'll come be by me and lay all over me just for the snuggles and back rubs. He loves to be loved. God knew I would need this child...this hope.

My hope and foundation are in Christ. He gives and He takes away. He opens the womb and He closes it. He creates life and chooses when to end it. And He has already blessed me immeasurably with the three boys that we have. If I am never able to bear another child, it will be okay because He will sustain me and He will make it enough. Our hearts are open to adopting a child...and maybe one day that is how God will finish filling our home. I don't know. But I do know that I will never be able to approach pregnancy the same way again. I will never again be able to see a positive test and rejoice that in 8 months our home will be welcoming a beautiful new child. Because for me, pregnancy is now a game of chance whose outcome has already been decided by God. A waiting game in which only time will reveal whether our arms will once again be filled with a bundle of joy and love, or whether our hearts will once again be filled with sorrow and loss.

Baby Happenings

First let me say how touched I was by the outpouring of love and support we received last month when we found out we'd lost the baby. The messages, meals and prayers were a God-send and we appreciate each one of them.

A month later (tomorrow), I am doing fine. I seem to have emotionally recovered from the loss (although past experience has taught me the grief could surge up at any time, so who knows), and life is back to "normal". It's almost like the whole thing never happened. Sort of.

Anyway, as you may recall, I requested testing be done on the baby to see if any problems showed up and to find out the gender of the baby. You may recall my theory that all the babies I was losing were girls. So, this morning I was finally able to receive the results. The chromosomal analysis showed nothing wrong with the baby. And that it was a BOY. So, my theory is out the window. Which is good and bad. Good in that maybe I will actually be able to have a blood-daughter one day. Bad because it means we are no closer to knowing why this baby didn't make it. If you think of us, pray that we will have wisdom going forward and that God will bless us in His timing with the next child He has for us...and that I, in particular, will have peace in the meantime.