Could That Be Me?

Ever noticed how sometimes God gives us a warning of what's coming so that it's not quite so much of a shock?  This has happened to me more times than I can count and it happened again with this last miscarriage.  Last week I was reading a blog written by a woman who was angry at God.  She was at place of disappointment and confusion and was just mad.  She said kind of laid out an ultimatum of "You better show up God, or I am out of here."  As I read this last week I thought, "Could I ever get to that place?  Could that be me?"  I literally thought about how I would respond if I were to lose this baby.  How would I feel?  Could I be that angry at God that I would consider walking away from Him?  My answer within myself was "No, I don't think so," but honestly, I wasn't totally sure.  And then it happened.  And my first response was anger.  I am not sure who or what I was angry at.  I think it was more the situation, the fact that this had happened.  AGAIN.  But, then if you start tracing roots...that would ultimately lead back to the sovereignty of God, so I guess if I was angry at the circumstance, by default, I was angry at God.

That night I actually opened up to Philip and just laid it out there.  Poor guy, sometimes he's the last to know how I am feeling.  But this time, I told him all the gory details.  Cried, bawled and sobbed it all out, and woke up ok the next morning.  And then some time on Friday, God brought to mind the song "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me.  This was a song that had spoken deeply to me sometime around the time of the second miscarriage/when I was pregnant with Andrew.   The lyrics are amazing and so meaningful to anyone who has been through tough trials:

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

It was the bolded line "But if that's what it takes to praise You" that really struck me on Friday.  And here's why.  God has chosen to promise us a daughter.  I don't know why.  I longed for a daughter for many years, but I can honestly say that He has taken that longing from me and made me content with the boys that I have.  But for some reason, He has made it clear to me that there is a daughter for us.  And in November of last year, He gave me a special name for her.  It's a name that has incredibly personal and deep meaning for me and what I've been through the last through years, and it was, in itself, a promise of healing and redemption.  He has given this daughter of ours an incredible back story, and she's not even here yet.  

Because of this back story and because of the ways He has been at work in my life, I know that when she arrives in my arms, HE will be GLORIFIED.  When I remembered those lyrics on Friday, what hit me was this: He was going to be glorified through the birth of this baby, this daughter, in amazing ways.  SO, if He chose to not allow this child to be born to us at this time, it could only be because He will receive MORE glory from her not being born than if she were.  I do not understand how this is possible.  I do not understand how this will play out.   But I do believe that His glorification is why I am living my life on this earth and if losing this baby will bring Him glory, then so be it.

Does it make this easy?  No.  Does this mean I won't have moments where I dissolve into a puddle of tears?  No.  Will I mourn this child every December as the due date passes and there is no birthday cake with a growing number of candles to blow out.  YES.  But, I do also know that the pain will diminish with time.   And I will choose to believe that when it's time to try again that God will give me the strength to face it.  And I will choose to believe that even if I lose that baby too, it's still for His glory.

A few months ago I was reading Job and read this passage chapter 1:20-21, right after everything Job had and owned had been destroyed:
"At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship ²¹ and said:
   “Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
   and naked I will depart.^[c]
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
   may the name of the LORD be praised.”

I hope that one day I be at the place Job was.  He was neck deep in grief, but his first response was to fall to the ground in worship.  My first response this time was anger.  May He continue to work in my heart so that I choose to worship...first.